Saturday, May 26, 2007

Aaaaaggghh! Pod people!

I've been encountering an odd species of mushroom in my yard recently. I looked them up last year when we had a couple because they have a rather, uh, distinctive look about them. I tracked them down and found that they were variety of stinkhorn, phallus impudicus. I don't think I need to comment further on the name or the images. Clearly, though, it's not the sort of thing you want popping up (so to speak) in a respectable garden.

So when I pulled a few of these mushrooms, I noticed a hollow tube remaining underneath the surface of the soil. I decide to be adventurous and dig these tubes out. This is when I discovered that stinkhorns are really pod people. You see, under the surface were these sac-like objects filled with gelatinous goo. I am not putting the name of those sac-like things in this post for fear that I'll start attracting the wrong kind of traffic (that is, people who misspell the names of body parts).

Fleshy things filled with gelatinous goo aren't my favorite. They're not even my tenth favorite or my last favorite. They look just like the fleshy egg sacs from which alien creature burst forth—goo and all. I know those stinkhorns were just waiting for us to go to sleep so they could sneak in, parade around the house, and wipe their slimy caps on our fruit basket. Then, three days later, what comes bursting out of our solar pexi but more alien pod people.

None of that for me!

I caught another one today. I do catch-and-release with pod people, since I figure they don't survive outside of damp soil or people's intestinal tracks. Anyway, had to prove the existence of the pod people to my ever-so-skeptical wife, so I left it on the porch railing close to her gardening equipment. I'm sure she appreciated the positive proof, but for some reason, she hasn't been very talkative today.

So, note for you who have to remove "mushrooms" from your flower beds. Dig out the fleshy sac-like thingee or you'll continue having invasions... I mean, growths that you'll have to remove repeatedly.
Post a Comment